Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Not At All Wordless Wednesday

This post has been in my mind for a few nights, but I've never sat down to type it. These last few days have been hard on me to say the least. Hell this summer has been hard on me! I don't know what more I can take, or what I need to do to change things, but I need to do something.

Speed Racer is gone with his dad and has been since June 4, this is the longest he has been gone and it is killing me. I'm so anxious all the time, and I'm just ready for him to be home, he will be this Saturday though and I can not wait. I got to see him a few weeks ago for the day. I flew into St.Louis for a few days because my uncle was in ICU. It was nice to visit with Speed Racer and my family, but not under those circumstances. I am glad I was able to be there in St.Louis with my family during that time. My uncle did pass away the night I flew home, while I was on the plane. I was ready to be home with my babies, and had made the decision to go ahead and go home early. I could not bear to see my uncle in an ICU bed any longer. It was killing me. I'm sad that I wasn't there after he passed to help support my family, but I'm also thankful I wasn't there when he passed, I don't know that I could have handled that. My grandmother (who I was named after, my dad's mom) also passed away while I was on my way home from seeing her when she was in the ICU in 2004. Both of them waited until I left the hospital and was heading home, to leave this place. I have been told that your loved ones do that with people that they know would not be able to handle them passing, I don't know if this is true or not, but I would like to think that is what happened. None the less I still have the regret that I didn't attend either funeral, and that I wasn't there when they passed. My uncle's passing made me realize that life is short, and that you are not guaranteed another day. He was not 100% healthy by no means, but he was living pretty well until about a week before he passed, and before we knew it he was in Cardiac arrest and never came out of it. It was a shock to me, and I'm still confused. How could it have happened so fast? How did no one notice that he was so sick? The doctor's had to have none he was getting close to this. I don't know. I'm just confused, and sad. I am not ready to loose either one of my parents, and to think that my three cousins who are all around my age, had to go through this hurts. I hate it! I think everyday about the family that he left behind, and how we will never have another memory with him, it hurts.

Monkey also has me kind of down in the dumps, not him, but his situation. I am tired of doctors, I'm tired of needles, I'm tired of xrays, I'm tired of tests, I'm tired of bottles, I'm tired of therapies. I'm just tired. I spend way to much time at the hospital or therapy with him, that he has no clue what a normal childhood is. He shouldn't have to have his blood drawn every other month, and have tests after tests. His poor little face the second he notices we are in the doctor's office is heartbreaking. He hates going! I hate putting him through all of this, but I have no choice. It is so aggravating to go somewhere and talk to someone about him. I'm so tired of hearing "Oh sweetie he is fine! They won't find anything wrong with him, look at how healthy he is! He's walking and talking that's great!" No it's not, and yes he is sick. YOU just can't tell. Just because he walks doesn't mean he doesn't have a left side weakness. Just because he eats normally and drinks from a sippy cup doesn't mean he doesn't choke and have to have thick it in every cup. Just because he isn't on high blood pressure medicine doesn't mean it isn't high. Just because he isn't purple at the moment, doesn't mean he won't be in an hour. Just because he is not terrible skinny, doesn't mean he is growing right. Just because he throws a tantrum like a normal two year old boy, doesn't mean he is 100% well. He isn't. He is sick. He has something wrong, and until I get a definite diagnosis I will not stop! I know that since I'm young people think I have no clue what I'm talking about, but I do. I've known since the moment I found out he was not growing at 33 weeks that something was wrong, when I lost weight at the end of my pregnancy, when he was so small at birth, breathing problems, pneumonia, bronchitis, weakness, stomach problems, fevers, temper, aspiration, everything. I knew with every symptom something is wrong with him. Yes he is bright eyed and very active, but it is the things that you can not see. It the extra things that I have to do to make his life easier. Those you don't see in the pictures or in person. So I'm tired of hearing "oh he's fine", etc. The truth is he is not. Some of his most recent tests have come back fine. However his AST levels were elevated and I am hoping to know more about this soon. We still have a lot of tests to get back, but so far it's ok news. I'm just down in the dumps if you can't tell. I hate that he is going through this, and I wish I could take it all away, but I can't. Please keep him in your prayers. We both need it right now.

I think I'm done complaining and rambling but I needed to get that out.


Graham Shenanigans said...

I am so sorry things are rough for you right now. That little man IS going to be fine because he has positive things on his side. He has you, he has God, he has all of our prayers. Someday, somehow, all these trials and tribulations are going to be a testimony. They are going to win someone to Christ. God doesn't let His children suffer for no reason. He will use this to further His kingdom. I know it's hard to see now, but look in the far distance. Try to be strong, not just for Little man but for all the other families you meet, the nurses, the doctors. Show them all that you have the Great Physician on your side. Love you girl. Let me know if I can do anything. Thanks for the necklace and best of luck with the party!!

Mom said...

I'm sorry your feeling so down. Losing a loved one sends most people into these type of feelings. Lost, sympathy, hurt, & confused, it just takes time to sort it all out. It will get better. Today is the 9 year annivasary of my Dad passing, so I'm a little down in the dumps also. I know a little about what your going thru with monkey, I went thru some of that with moma monkey. Of course it didn't take as long for a diagnosis but I certaintly understand the "your young, what do you know" atitude your dealing with. I can't wait to see you all and I wish I could help you more. It is hard for others to understand about monkey when they don't see it but I trust you and know you know whats right and wrong with you babies. Your a great Mom and you will get answers, until you do just keep trusting yourself. I love you

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

So sorry you are having a hard time.

Love your blog and glad you stopped by for a visit...Be looking for a Christmas post soon....